Birthdays-birthdays-birthdays

I made it through both Jeff's and my birthday. Not really as difficult as I expected. I have found that the "special days" are not as hard as the "everyday days". I catch myself wanting to tell Jeff something, or think that he would really like (or dislike) a certain thing. I also sometimes think, "what would Jeff think about this?" Today I related the entire story, to a stranger, of how Jeff got sick and the journey we went on. I was even able to put some feeling into it. The person asked some good questions, like: "What did you think about him going on Chemotherapy?" and "Would you do it the same way all over again?" Both difficult questions that I CAN answer but they bring back so many memories. No I didn't want Jeff to go on Chemotherapy, but I kept my opinion to myself until after he had started and he asked me. I never did tell him why. I saw two people die in the brain tumor support group with his type of tumor that went through the treatments and their support person said how hard it was on everyone. I did not want to be negative towards himor influence his decision. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. I swallowed so many of my feelings during the last five years that they are having a hard time coming back up. (so to speak) I do try to be very honest when people ask me how I feel, if I think they really want to know. I am facing the moving out of my daughter and son-in-law and granddaughter and I am both happy for them but know I am going to miss them so very much. They put a bid on a condo, so it is only a matter of time. Ahh feelings...not like a song and oh so very difficult to deal with some times.

Jeff's 51 st Birthday

This week would have marked Jeff's 51st Birthday. I was expecting it to be a difficult day so I took a personal day at work. The days leading up to Thursday I was nervous and anxious. But then Thursday morning came and I found a pot of hot fresh coffee waiting for me along with some chocolate muffins. Liz had done that for me! I progressed into the morning and found that I was not feeling that bad. I was able to experience again God's Grace for the moment! I spent the day fussing in the yard. It was wonderful. I didn't listen to the radio or have my Ipod, it was just me and my thoughts and it was good. That night I went to dinner with a friend. Even my dreams were Okay. I know I still will have some hard days, but I at least made it through one that I expected to be rough.
Matter of fact this week I had several funny things happen that made me think of Jeff and smile. My Chihuahua, Maggie, was with me in the yard and I wasn't paying attention. The gate was open and all of a sudden I turned around and could hear her barking in the front of the house. I ran out at the same time as Liz only to find Maggie chasing a Coyote down the street. We decided the coyote probably was not "being chased" but was luring Maggie away to become his dinner. Then on Thursday I was moving some cinder blocks in the back of the house and I picked up one and here was a Pack Rat. I had already cleaned up her huge nest that I thought had been abandoned. But no, here she was, looking up at me with big brown eyes and twitching whiskers. I couldn't kill her. I let her run off only to do more damage later. While cleaning her nest I found 3 screwdrivers, 2 unbroken eggs from my chickens, a pair of needle nose pliers and two of my favorite hole punches for drip irrigation line. Not to mention about 50 pieces of 580 tubing chewed into two to three inch pieces. Plus lots of little pieces of drip line! Jeff would have laughed at me for letting the pack rat go, but oh, those soft brown eyes.
I bought a five gallon Texas Ebony to plant in my yard. It was Jeff's favorite desert tree. I will try to do that every year for his birthday. I have one and a third acres so I can fit a lot of trees. So thank you Lord for a good week and a memorable one too!