following in step

This past week I did something that I know would have made Jeff laugh. I went dumpster diving. Now for my more refined friends, that invokes visions of me as a bag lady retrieving aluminum cans out of a trash can. Rest assured, that is NOT what I am talking about. Here is the story: A company is building "luxury garages", storage for expensive RVs and such, right by my house. It is a huge facility and the garages are completely insulated with airconditioning, plumbing, cable and Internet connections. Well, they have two roll-off dumpsters in front of the facility and the other day I noticed insulation hanging over the edge. Expensive insulation. So then the next day I hopped into Dan's pick-up and drove over there to check it out. Sure enough, they are both filled with scraps of what I suspect is R-30 insulation ends and pieces. SCORE! I hopped up on the edge and loaded the big pieces into the truck and actually made two trips before it got dark. I am going back tonight if they don't haul away the dumpsters. The insulation is clean and brand new (see I told you-no worries)! So what reminds me so much of Jeff? His clients would say to him, "would you haul this to the dump for me?" Those "trash items" have included tools, furniture, camping equipment, even appliances. He loved a good "free find". So here's to you my best friend! I am following in your thrifty footsteps.

October 12, 2009

It has been just short of one month and I am hanging in there. I have a pile of beautiful cards from people that I know and don't know. Should I send thank yous to them? Probably not. But I wish I could personally thank the people who have taken the time to write me a quick note. People ask me how am I doing. I want to say that I feel too young to be in this place. But I know being a fifty year old widow is better than being forty or thirty. This past weekend I saw so many cute old couples, holding hands, and looking at each other tenderly. I am going to miss that. How will all of my couple friends treat me. Such a silly question. I know many of them will treat me just the way they always have. But how will I feel. That is a hard question to contemplate. How does any single person feel in a group of married folks? After being married for thirty years, many of my friends are couples. Will I feel like a third wheel? Will I avoid situations that make me the odd number? New places for my mind to wander and I am not sure I want to go there yet.
I am having a party for my daughter Vangie and her husband Josh. We are having an open house to celebrate their wedding. They got married on September 6, but I was unable to attend since Jeff was so sick. So I have been busy putting in the winter grass and flowers. My back yard looks pretty. I am getting ready to string lights and buy tablecloths and dinnerware. I am going to have it catered. For all of the parties I have had I have always made the food. Even big graduation parties but this time I decided to let making the food go. We will have Mexican Food and mostly finger food at that. Gotta love mini-chimichangas.
I have been driving the jeep. It feels weird. I don't think I drove it but twice while Jeff was alive . And I think he had it for three years. It is old, a 1987. But jeeps don't really age. they all look alike to me. The air conditioning is fried. But at least it is the fall right now. I still feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis driving a red jeep. All I need is a big purple hat! HA! I guess in a way widowhood is a life crisis, no matter how much you prepare for it. I hope Jeff is watching me and having a good laugh because I am certainly a funny sight and that is without the purple hat. That is all for now. The journey seems long but is really just a vapor! love GJ

September 28, 2009

The memorial service for Jeff was wonderful. At least I have been told it was. It is all a blur. I know family was there, who I feel like I ignored, and friends, too many to hug. There was a cookie reception after the service. Our family and close friends then went to my house to eat and reminisce. That is a blur too. I know I went to bed before everyone left. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Monday I went to work. I needed the activity. I still feel guilty for feeling relieved that Jeff's journey is done. Am I relieved for him? Most definitely yes. That last month was awful. He is healed and enjoying the presence of God. Am I relieved for myself? Can I be relieved? Should I be relieved? The jury is still out in my heart over that one. But I have a new journey, albeit a reluctant one. I didn't choose it. God chose it for me and I have to remind myself that His plans for me are good. Thank you to my friends and family that have agreed not to abandon me on this new journey...thank you! Be patient with me.
I picked up Jeff's ashes on Wednesday and paid for his obituary. The people at the mortuary were very nice but the trip was still a sad one. I am planning to take his ashes up to Beaver Creek either later this fall or in the spring. He wanted them sprinkled in Northern Arizona. So that is where they will be.
The other thing I have done is to start to look for another vehicle, sort of. Jeff really wanted me to get a new vehicle and to sell my new beetle. It has been a black hole for repairs and money. I am honoring part of his request. I am selling the VW, but I am not buying a new vehicle. I am going to drive his jeep. Jeff''s mom gave him some money about two and a half years ago and he bought a 1987 jeep. He was able to have some fun trips in it and was in the process of fixing it up when he got so sick. So I am finishing the job. I had it painted and I am putting a hard top on it. The hard top is to make it safer and easier for me to drive. I looks like a new vehicle. I did test drive some Toyota Tacoma four door trucks, but I didn't like the way they drove and they are so expensive. So this is my compromise. I think it would be OK with Jeff, and I am Ok driving the jeep with a top on. I just never liked driving it with no doors and the bikini top. Gina in a jeep!
I am left with not enough to do at my house. So I am re-arranging the garage and labelling all of the shelves. Mindless busy work. As the Quaker saying goes,"Idle hands are the devil's playground." I am so glad that Elizabeth, Josh and Scarlett are with me. The house would seem like a cavern without them. I have been reading before bed for the last week. A almost forgotten joy. A guilty pleasure. That is all for now, GJ

September 13, 2009 Afternoon

Jeff went home to be with the Lord at about 3:45. It was very peaceful. I was sitting right next to him. Our friends were here and we are rejoicing for him. I know the reality of all this will hit me like a ton of bricks later. We are planning on having a memorial service on Saturday. I will post more details when I have them. Thank you all for praying him safely home.

September 13, 2009 Early Morning

Today is Sunday Sept. 13. Jeff is unconscious, barely breathing and has a rapid but weak heartbeat. This morning he opened one of his eyes a couple of times and we were all able to tell him that we love him. His hands are blue and his pallor is grey. My next post will be to shout that he is healed and in the arms of our Savior. He is surrounded by friends and family. Betty Anne, stayed with me all night. We have a little party set up in his bedroom. Dana and Vicky came over, Betty Anne is still here, Josh and Liz are here and I am here. We looked at a bunch of old pictures that I had pulled out of him. We all got to laugh and tell stories. Thank you all for holding our arms up for us to be able to "win this battle". We love you. GJ

September 11, 2009

September 11. Jeff's sister arrived today. We are so glad to see her. Things here have been rough. Jeff has been very difficult to move, and almost impossible to understand. And the worst part is that he is now experiencing pain. In his back and in his neck and sort of anywhere when he lays down. I have started giving him dilaudid, a strong pain med. We have it in drop form so I give it to him under his tongue. I also took an objective look at him. He has lost 40-50 pounds. He was so miserable with the weight he gained from all of the steroids. So to me he looks good now, but this is not a good weight loss. He is hardly eating. The hospice nurse came today and inserted a catheter. I hope it makes him a lot more comfortable. He will be bed bound as long as there is only one person at home because he is so hard to get into his wheel chair. His muscles just aren't responding. His breathing is irregular and shallow. Our time together when we are alone is so sweet. He asked me tonight is I was OK and I told him no, I asked him the same question and he told me yes. That helped me a lot. I asked the hospice nurse, how long do other patients in his situation live? Just a shadowy way of asking how long for Jeff. She said she didn't think he would last long. I hope the Lord takes him very soon. He is tired,and ready and even though I am not ready...it isn't about me. I am listening to the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn, on CD. I haven't gotten very far, but it is good. I am honestly pretty depressed tonight. I miss my mother. She died nine years ago this December. I have no brothers and sisters and I will soon be a widow. I am so glad that I have so many good friends. My church family and circle of friends have loved me more than any "natural" sibling could. Thank you God, for them! Thank you also for my kids, their spouses and my grandbaby. Thank you, Thank you. Thank you for 30 years with Jeff. Take him home safely and soon Lord. You love him more than I do, and I can barely stand to see him suffer any more. In Jesus name-Amen!

September 9, 2009

Today is Wednesday, 9-9-09. This past week has been a roller coaster. As I mentioned in previous posts, Thursday was such a good day. The weekend was much harder. The hospice nurse on Friday and the pastor who visited us on Monday both said they can see a big difference and Jeff says he can feel it. But he looks about the same to me. I changed the medication at night to an anti-anxiety med and that has helped him to sleep so much better. He has had tremors off and on this week but the medication is supposed to help that too. His right side is almost completely gone. He still has some use of his hand and foot but the amount of concentration it takes to move either the slightest amount is amazing. He is a very patient man! We are all OK. Scarlett is a month old and Vangie got married last weekend in Colorado. Jeff was VERY upset that I didn't go, but Vangie and Josh understood! I really don't have much to report as Jeff just gets more and more disabled. My heart is broken over him. Please pray for patience and mercy for us all. We love you.

September 2, 2009

Good Morning Everyone! Well Jeff was able to go to the movies! Yeah Josh! They went to see District 9. Jeff said it was very scary. Last night we had a real scare. Jeff's legs started to shake uncontrollably and he couldn't swallow. Water and food was just staying in his mouth or coming back out. He asked me to stay home this morning because he didn't know who could help him. Josh and I had a very hard time getting him into the shower later. I am struggling with anger, fear and impatience. And guilt over feeling and acting that way. Please pray for patience for me and mercy for Jeff. I really hate brain tumors this morning. Both he and I doubted he would make it through the night. his breathing was so labored. He was able to sleep pretty well last night and he is Ok again this morning. Well we had a change in plans again. Vangie and Josh are going to get married at their church in Colorado this coming weekend, Sept 6; their original date. They will still come down for the 24th of October and we will have an open house for them. This makes a lot of sense to me and removes one thing from my overfilled plate. We are very happy for them. On another bright note...Jeff's sister, Jo, is coming to visit us Sept. 11-14. YEAH! She lives in Wisconsin-make sure you pack your shorts and your sandals. It will still be hot here.The picture today is Jim, John and Jeff in Boy Scouts. Look at the size of those sleeping bags!All for now, thanks again for praying and loving us!-Gina-

September 1, 2009

Today is Tuesday September 1. Jeff had a really rough weekend. But had a much better day yesterday. YEAH!I took the Hospice nurse's advice and medicated Jeff before he went to sleep last night. His coughing was a lot less and his sleep was better as well. I slept most of the night and feel SO much better. Josh is taking Jeff to the movies today! YEAH Josh! Then they are going to McDonald's for lunch. Gotta love a fish sandwich. Nice and soft and oh so tasty. Vangie and Josh Dudeck (I can't believe I will have two son-in-laws named Josh) have decided to get married down here in Phoenix. I told Vangie that if her dad was still alive in October that I would not leave him here to go to Colorado for them to get married. (I am not the important part here-they are). So they decided to get hitched at our house. The date is October 24. The wedding will be VERY small and we will have an open house after for all of our friends. We do not expect family to come out. They want absolutely no fuss, which is good. I have started to get our backyard ready and will plant the winter grass in a few weeks. Thank you all for your continuing support-we love you all! -Gina-

August 28, 2009

Today is Friday, August 28. Jeff and I both have had a hard week. His speech has gotten much worse and in the evening after I am home from work, he is tired and I can barely, if at all, understand him. He has gotten pretty frustrated with me. At night he is restless and coughs a lot from choking on saliva. I am simply exhausted both physically and emotionally. The hospice nurse came today. She said she hardly heard any breath sounds except in his upper right lobe. His blood pressure is WAY down and his heart rate is slower. If it wasn't for Pam and Marilyn coming over to visit I think I would be pretty depressed. I have been painting some chairs from outside to have something to do. It is very hot here, 112, and we all feel a little cooped up. Dan is in Chicago. He is staying with John and Ruth (Big Thank You). He can move into his room tomorrow. He called me while he was riding his long-board! Please pray for patience and gentleness for me and grace and healing for Jeff. We appreciate and love you all so much.
-Gina-

August 23, 2009

Today is Sunday August 23. Jeff is resting and I am here at the computer talking to people who know us and some that don't. It feels weird. But then a lot of my life feels weird. I hate brain tumors. There, I said it. I hate having to come up with an answer to the question how is Jeff. No I am not depressed today, but I am a little overwhelmed. Last weekend Jim and Vicki came over from Albuquerque and Vangie and Josh were here from Colorado. We had so much fun. Jim took Jeff to the Bass Pro shop. It was the first time that he had been out of the house in weeks. I simply can't maneuver him in and out of my VW. I hate VW's right now too! But Jim drives a hummer. So not only was Jeff out of the house, but he rode in STYLE. But this week has been rough. As I laid in the hospital bed next to Jeff I listened to him breathing. Such hard work! I was scared and realized how not ready I am for him to go. The hospice nurse came on Friday and told me that his heart rate was erratic, and that the tumor may be doing some dirty little deeds in his brain stem. I hate brain tumors. Several times when he is really tired he has said absolute nonsense to me. My heart breaks a little more each time. Last night when just the two of us were at the table and he was finishing up eating, he said I hate eating this way. (With a bib, with drool out of his mouth, and choking from difficulty of swallowing I simply said I'm sorry. Later he said I can't live much longer this way and I didn't know what to say. We both are secure in his future but the present is oh so very hard. So should I be happy that he is here, or should I be sad that he is not whole and in the arms of my Savior. I don't know how I should be. I am in awe of the strength that God had given Jeff. He is so very, very brave. God's presence comforts us both. We feel loved through His people and are blessed by that. Just don't ask me how Jeff is doing. I can't figure out what to say. Last weekend Pastor Bob gave a sermon titled "a stimulus package that really works." In it he talks about visiting Jeff. You can check it out at www.moonvalleybible.org The picture today is of all of my family last weekend. That weekend was so special. I will remember it forever. Our son, Dan, leaves today for Chicago. He and Spencer are driving to Albuquerque to spend time with Cam and Evelyn and then Uncle Jim and the hummer are taking him to Chicago. Uncle John will be joining them on the trip. YEAH! I will really miss my son. I am so glad that Liz and Josh and Scarlett live with us now! Please pray with us for grace and healing. We love you all so much. Your prayers and notes mean more that you will ever know!

August 9, 2009

Today is August 8 and Jeff has a granddaughter! Scarlett was born Saturday morning at 9:25. She weighed 7 lbs 11 oz. The exact same as her mother! She is 21 inches long. Liz and Josh just came home this afternoon and the baby is sleeping in her bed! She has hair and big feet. HA! The picture is of course Jeff and Scarlett. She is already spoiled and very much loved. Liz was in labor for 12 hours. Josh did a great job of coaching her. Vangie and Josh D. got here yesterday evening. It is so good to have everyone here. Next is our family photo! Jeff has done really well these last few days. Our pastor, Bob, came and visited us on Friday and we all got to have communion together, the five of us. It was very special. Aunt Betty Anne is coming for dinner tonight so we will probably take more photos and pst them on my facebook page. Thank you for praying for us. We are so grateful! We love you...Gina.

August 5, 2009

Today is August 5. We still do not have a granddaughter. She must be a stubborn little girl! We are all anxiously awaiting her birth.I have not updated the blog because I have not known what to say. This past weekend Jeff turned some type of corner. I can't really explain it. But I feel it and know it. He is so much weaker, he eats very little, his speech is worse and he is oh so very tired. He did perk up for a trip to McDonalds on Monday for Liz's birthday. But he has had chunks of time where he is confused. He can't read and has lost a lot of hand eye coordination. I think he is here to see the baby and our daughter Vangie, who is arriving back home this weekend for a week. We got the script for the text to speech machine but I am unsure whether or not he can use it. The speech therapist is on vacation until August 10, so we will see how he is then. He did wake up this morning and is doing better than the last few days. Please pray with us for God's continued mercy and grace. Today's picture is of Jeff in Colorado at Cinnamon Pass. We love you and so appreciate you sweet words.

July 26, 2009

Today is July 26,2009. Another week has begun. This week like them all, has had some really great highs and some pretty low lows. We had quite a few visitors including our pastor and his wife. They brought a yummy dinner and made us all laugh. BettyAnne came up as well as Pam. We also had a visit from some NCHS Band Boosters: Claudia and Gilbert. YEAH! Those times are truly the high point of our day. Everyone has been really considerate about making the visits short yet fun. We even watched a movie: Marley and Me. Gotta love popcorn and Hawaiian Punch, thanks BA. I went back to work a few days and that went pretty smooth. We also got some great news from Social Security. They have granted Jeff disability, which believe me is no small feat! His benefits will begin in October. We also were told that his short term disability ends in October. A God-ordained coincidence! Although this was good news for me it really upset Jeff since he does not want to be alive that long. Pastor Bob and Cathy told us a story about Bob helping to take care of a friend in his last year of life and how difficult it was, but how very important to Bob it was to go through the experience. Liz and I had a conversation along the same path. I am not going to say that if I had it all over to do again I would choose watching my husband die of cancer, but I know long after this is over, I will see God use it for some kind of good. Jeff had a nasty fall in the night this week and scared us all. He has been pretty depressed as well as he continues to loose the ability to speak and have some independence. I am struggling from lack of sleep and trying to be positive. Even so...come Lord Jesus. I have been walking with Elizabeth in the cool "Big Boxes" of Phoenix. You know...Loews, Home Depot, next on the list is Super Walmart. It is very hot here but she still needs to walk. I went to her appt. last Friday and the baby is doing well, they estimate her weight at 6 1/2 lbs. Maybe my next entry will include a baby picture. We have made arrangements to have a great photographer come to our house after the baby is born to take a family picture so that Jeff can be a part of that. We have all of the paperwork for Jeff's longterm disability filled out for the state and the doctor wrote the prescription for the text to speech device, so we will see! The picture this time is Jeff in the wheel chair before he got so weak and before it got so hot. He can't sit outside anymore. Only Maggie our Chihuahua is enjoying the heat!Please join me in continuing to pray for mercy and grace for our family. We love you all and appreciate ALL of the notes you have sent via Caringbridge.

July 19, 2009

Ok, so I just made an update-but then when it posted I found several spelling errors and no updates on the man cave or the text to speech device, or explanation of the picture. The picture is Jeff cooking on a fishing trip with his brothers and dad. There are several stuck keys on our new computer from spilled food-sorry for any typos, the b is really bad and I am not a good editor. Liz told me to do the updates in word and then paste, great idea!! Jim and Vicki brought him a black fridge and filled it with his favorite goodies. Yeah! The man cave is now complete! We requested the prescription for the text to speech device and will get that back this coming week and then we will submit it to the speech therapist at the hospital. We are looking to rent one. People have been so generous donating leave (thank you thank you thank you!) we are covered for insurance now through October! So sorry for the double entry today. I should read the previous one before I make the new one. (next time!) We love you and thank God for all of our family and friends! Love in Christ Gina

July 18, 2009

Today is July 19. We are still hanging in there! Liz can have the baby any time now! She feels great and they all are ready. We have had a roller coaster of a week. Some truly amazing things have happened. On Tuesday several of my gal pals came over and we all went to McDonald's for lunch. Jeff loves the fish sandwiches there-very easy to eat and who doesn't love their fries? Anyway afterwards while Jeff was napping we took a field trip. I got to choose the place so we went to Harbor Freight Tools (the Big Lots of tools) and then out for ice cream. We went up and down every row at Harbor Freight and had so much fun laughing and trying the tools-I know four crazy women!! Then one of the gals Andrea came home with me. She is a Physical Therapist in peoples homes so she came and gave us some pointers-Here is the cool part... She recommended a shower transfer chair and a support pole. so that Jeff could continue to shower. That night I got on Craig's list and found both items! The pole was listed THAT VERY DAY. Then the next day some other gal pals came over and one of them, Marilyn, who is recently widowed said that she had a shower chair! The chair is amazing! and I picked up the pole yesterday. Thank you God for providing these seemingly small details! It has been so encouraging to me. Jeff has been really depressed, not because he is getting worse but because he isn't. He just keeps saying that he wants it to be over. He told me this past week why he won't shave off his goatee even though it gets really messy when he eats. In eighth grade he saw a movie on death and dying and they showed a man at the beginning of his battle with cancer with a full beard and then at the end all shriveled up and with no facial hair. He said he did not want to look like that man. Of course Jeff will have a beard as long as he wants it!!! Jim and Vicki surprised us with a visit this weekend. It is so nice to see them. It is such a spirit lifter for Jeff. (and me too!) When people ask me how I am doing-the only real answer I can give them is conflicted now. Jeff so much wants this to be over and told me he prays for that every night. But God has allowed him to live. So should I be happy every day that I have with him or sad? I try to be happy and upbeat for his sake but I don't know if that helps or hurts. Aaah the life with brain cancer...the body is ok but the tumor removes functionality of it. It does really stink! Thank you all so much for your encouraging e-mails. They have helped a lot! We love you all and will keep you posted!

July 10, 2009

Today is July 10, 2009. Jeff did not expect to be alive now. His dramatic decline back in April and May has slowed. My continuing prayer for Jeff is healing. Either here or that God would take him home and heal him there. My biggest issue is how to honor Jeff in his daily care. His body is like a very old man. He gets frustrated because his legs won't do what he tells them to do. The paralysis in his face makes eating difficult and he says that everything tastes about the same. He can't see well and his short term memory is very bad. I would have no problem writing all of this about my mother-in-law who is 81 and has dementia, but my sweet 50 year old husband.... We are preparing for him to be bed bound. I took all of the froo-froo things out of the bedroom and put up all of Daniel's artwork. I did keep one very small cat figurine y the computer HA! Black twin sheets from Walmart make excellent curtains and lastly we got rid of the 13 inch TV and bought a 30 inch flat screen TV (which is small by todays standards). It has closed captioning and he can see the screen well. We moved his recliner in there too. We call it the man cave! So if he has to stay in there at least the space can be MANLY. The other big thing for us is that we have asked for donated leave time from the department of agriculture employees. So if anyone wants to donate a day of their leave to Jeff then he gets that credit. It is a real blessing because of insurance. His FMLA leave ends August 3 and after that we pay COBRA. On his second surgery he got over three weeks donated by employees. We didn't even know most of the people! We of course can't know names but the request goes to all employes! The HR person at the Department, Maria, has been amazing. Who wants to think about insurance at a time like this. God has taken care of all of our needs so amazingly I honestly am at total peace about this. (Thank you praying friends) Finally, some of you have asked about the text to speech machine for Jeff. I spoke with the Hospice nurse yesterday to see if the doctor there could write a script for one and term it a quality of life issue. (Thank you Barbara for the great suggestion) That way we could rent one. You can't just buy them through their website, you have to go through a rep. It is a Tobii Lightwriter. Check it out it is cool. We also broke out the bell for Jeff to use to "summon" me. We are going to get a baby monitor too. We can then use it for Scarlett. Who will be here soooooon! August 4. YEAH Please join me in praying for healing and if you have any other suggestions to improve Jeff''s time here with us...let me know. Please post short notes to Jeff using a large font. He honestly checks it at least 6 times a day. If you want to write longer notes please email me directly. Thank you all. and God bless you for your support and encouragement.

July 1, 2009

Today is Wednesday the first of July. I don't think Jeff thought he would live this long but we are still here. Today we went to a Speech Pathologist to find out if Jeff could get a text to speech device. We found one that he could operate with one hand and it was pretty slick. His speech is very hard to understand now. The problem is that if he is on Hospice the insurance won't pay for one. So maybe we can rent one for a while or try to find a used one. I actually looked on e-bay and found one but it was not the model we liked. We still have about two months left to hear from Social Security as to whether or not they consider him disabled. So we are caught between a rock and a hard place. Jeff had a choking incident tonight, our friend the respiratory therapist was with us (God is SO good) and she said his strong coughing response was a really good thing. Nice to hear because I was really upset. He has had no major changes this week just further decline in speech and he is sleeping more. Daniel had all four wisdom teeth pulled today, a part of getting everyone fixed up before we loose our insurance. He is doing really well! Liz is now 5 weeks away from having baby Scarlett. Jeff is torn between wanting this to be over and wanting to see her. I am too. I watch him every day, and my heart aches. Please God, heal him soon. If that means in heaven, I can't help but want him there. Vangie and Josh are still up in the air about getting married, not that they will or not... just timing, location... all still undecided. My two best friends' daughters got married this summer and it has been very hard on Jeff, and Vangie too. She has been in both weddings. The last one was just this past weekend and Jeff couldn't go. I sat and just silently cried as I watched the bride dance with her father. Again, same as with Scarlett's birth, conflicted feelings all around. I know not every bride has the opportunity to have her father with her. I didn't, our marriage has lasted 30 years, and I have reminded Jeff of that. He has given instructions that his brother Jim is to stand in his place. But I can still understand his pain. Thank you all for continuing to add comments. Jeff reads the comment page at least three times a day. Please pray for healing. We love you.-Gina

June 19, 2009

Friday, June 19, 2009 10:24 PM, MST
We are back from the high country and we brought some cool weather back with us to Phoenix! Tonight we ate outside until it started to sprinkle. The trip to Flagstaff was nice but very hard on me emotionally. We went to the courthouse and got a copy of our marriage license and found out our REAL anniversary is May 18. We actually got married by the justice of the peace before our family wedding in June.We also wanted to check out the ramada in the park where we had our family wedding. Jeff didn't want to get out of the car so we just sat there for a few minutes. We drove by our old homes and ended our tour with a trip around Hart prairie on FS 151. We both know this will be our last trip here together. We had a very difficult time with Jeff's wheelchair in the restaurants and at the hotel. The trip was easier on the drive thanks to our friends Mike and Jackie who loaned us an suv. Vangie came to help too but by the end of the trip I was a basket-case. So the trip was nice but oh so bittersweet. We met the hospice doctor today and have all of the paperwork for Jeff's living will, medical power of attorney and end of life directives. The nurse and social worker asked us what our goals were and Jeff really had no specific goals other than to go home to be with the Lord as soon as possible. I was miserable inside, but it was nothing I didn't already know. He is sleeping more and having a very hard time swallowing without choking when eating. The hospice nurse ordered us a hospital bed with a trapeze so that he can get in and out of bed easier. I am so grateful for all of the e-mails and the notes on caring bridge to Jeff. I thank God for you all. Please pray that God's grace, peace and mercy would be felt by us all and shown through us during this time. We love you all!

June 10, 2009

Today is June 10. This has not been such a stable week. Jeff tells me he just feels weak and he is sleeping a lot more. He is really losing stability and balance quick. His appetite is still pretty good. The hardest thing was not really for him but for me. I called Hospice. We met our intake nurse and signed all of the paperwork. He got his emergency comfort pack with strong pain meds, anti nausea meds, etc. I was glad my friend Betty Anne came over right afterwards as I felt like I had been run over. Today our pastor, Bob Kerrey, came and shared some Scripture with us and we had communion together. We cancelled the appointment with the oncologist and are going to start using the Hospice doctor. The social worker is coming to see us this week and our regular nurse will be coming tomorrow. He met all of the criteria for Hospice acceptance except pain. And thank you Lord he is not in pain. I am getting together pictures of Jeff (and me too) to look at and reminisce. I am working on our scrapbook. If you have any pictures please send them to my gmail account. A special thank you to John for sending the photo on this update it was from a family re-union quite a few years ago! We are going to Flagstaff next week and toodle around. I am renting a car-the VW is just too hard to get the wheelchair in and out of. We will stay one night. Our 30th anniversary is Tuesday. Thank you all for your prayers and support. We love you all. GJ

May 30, 2009

This week has been a stable week. No big changes. For that we are grateful. We have been able to catch our breath and re-group. Vangie got home late last night from Colorado. She is going to spend the summer with us. I am so grateful. She brought her boyfriend home with her for a few days. Actually he brought her. They met in Colorado. Our goal is to teach her to cook this summer! Ha!Jeff has felt really pretty good this week. We got the voice amplifier working better so that others can hear him when he speaks. We have been able to enjoy coffee together on the porch with the help of the ramp. It has been really warm here but the mornings are not too bad. He has not had any headaches as well. This week we turned in the remainder of his paperwork for FMLA leave from work so that he can retain his insurance. He was approved for that. We are waiting to hear about short term disability and the SSA office told us on Wednesday it would be three to four months before we would hear back from them about permanent disability and medicare. Nothing like a good bureaucracy in the middle of cancer. I have not contacted Hospice yet but that is on my agenda. Our God is so good to us! We have continued to get yummy meals and feel the prayers of our friends and family. We have seen Elizabeth's baby, Scarlet, continue to grow. She responds in the womb to the sound of her father, Josh, reading her a book. My hope is that as a family we respond to the voice of our Father despite the circumstances we are in. Thank you so much for your notes of encouragement. God has used you to really encourage Jeff. We bought him a laptop and he checks the messages several times a day.

May 24, 2009

Well we have a cement ramp leading from our driveway to the back door. It will be so much easier for Jeff to get outside. A very special thank you to Les Petry, Dana Jones and Scott Cilley our lead guys. But there were other strong hands and back involved: Jeff Merry, Mark Merry, Doug Nelson and Daniel Orr! Thank you so much guys. We have had a trying week. I got home from my surgery on Friday, thank goodness Jeff's brother Jim and his wife Vicki were here for the wekend. I could barely move and our vehicle situation is a little funny. Ever try putting a wheel chair in a VW. Ha! And I can not believe the love that God has shown us through the hands of our family, both "birth family" and "church family". My refreigerator has continued to be filled with yummy food and we even recieved a pair of soft comfortable shoes in the mail for Jeff. We truly are blessed and praise God for you all. We have made the decision to work through Hospice. Jeff has said no more doctors and hospitals. Hospice does other care besides end of the end care. He seemed to be so much happier with that decision. Again God used one of my "family" members to encourge us to look into that. Please pray that the Social Security paperwork can be processed quickly and efficiently. We would much rather spend time together than in waiting rooms.

May 18, 2009

Dear Family and Friends: We are back in Arizona! I had my surgery on Wednesday. All is well! I can't drive for two weeks either-rats. I got the call from the oncologist while I was in the hospital. The tumor board recommended that Jeff go on chemotherapy. He has said no. I really can't blame him but yet I feel so conflicted. The numbness has progressed around his mouth since we got home and he is having a hard time eating. He told me I will have to make him shakes. But his appetite is really good. The men from our church are pouring a ramp this Friday. It is all formed up and ready. That will give us easier access to the house. Thank you all again for your support.

May 11, 2009

Dearest Family and Friends:I am ready to be home. Not really looking forward to the plane trip (who does?). But I am more than ready to see my family and enjoy our house. This has been an emotionally exhausting experience watching Jeff say good bye to family that in all honesty he won't see again this side of heaven. Too many tears, but mixed in was the hope of Heaven. Jeff's mom had no clue who I was and we are unsure if she recognized Jeff. Which may not be so bad since we had to tell our "story" several times to different family members in front of her. She used to be so emotional, it is probably a blessing that she doesn't understand this. Please pray for me as we get back to Phoenix Tuesday night and I go in at 6:00 Wednesday for surgery. I will not be able to push Jeff in the wheelchair for two weeks, maybe three. I also had the fun job of telling Jeff I didn't want him driving anymore, his response time is too slow. But he was very agreeable to the situation and told me I was actually a decent chauffeur. HA! Vangie and Daniel get home tomorrow as well, so our house will go from the two of us (and the animals) to six. How fun. I know Jeff will enjoy that. He always seems so tired now, I hope having the kids around will re-energize him. The next entry will be from sunny Arizona. Thanks again for all of your love and support.

May 9, 2009

Well we arrived safely in the Buckeye State. The flights were uneventful. Traveling with a wheelchair is a lot different! The weather is very nice here but dreary. Jeff told me it was a nice sunny day! HA! First of all I would like to say thank you for all of the support during this difficult time. We are overwhelmed by the outpouring of love. It really means so much to us. The doctors appointment on Thursday was a blur. The MRI showed very little growth in the tumor. The doctor was stumped by the dramatic increase in Jeff's symptoms. He guessed that it was microscopic changes. But he was unsure. The tumor has been growing up the brain stem from the right cerebellum to the left lobe of his cerebrum. But his symptoms are not those you would expect from growth in that area. They did see new growth at the site of the first area also. He told us that area could not be radiated again. The brain can not tolerate that much radiation. He did say that the upper region could be radiated. Jeff said no. Radiation for him was miserable. His doctor also talked about putting him on a chemo cocktail. No, not a Mai Tai, in cancer speak that means a mixture of drugs. This would be IV treatment once a week. A new drug was approved last month that has showed promise. But he did say that the tumor would eventually kill him. He did not know if the treatment would add any time to his life. If you have ever seen the TV show House our doctor is like that. He is brilliant, witty and just blurts out what ever is on his mind. Jeff told him he did not want to do the chemo really, but the doctor encouraged him to not give up. He called right then in front of us and put his case on the agenda for the weekly Tumor Board meeting at Barrows on Monday. We will know the board's recommendation on Tuesday or Wednesday. I have gained such new respect for cancer survivors. The choices for treatments range from nothing to chemo, to nutrition to Chinese medicine and the patient and their family has to make the best choice for THEIR family member. There is no magic pill. Scientists do not understand the connection between mind, soul and brain. Only God does. So although his doctor doesn't understand why, we rest secure in the fact that God does and He has a perfect plan. We are visiting with Jeff's mom and his cousins today. I know it will be a great time. I want to take a few sentences to say thank you to Jim and Vicki for getting us a wonderful hotel room here in Ohio! Thank you! And to my Liz and Josh, thank you, thank you, thank you for being willing to move in and help during this time. I love you all. And to my extended "family", thank you and God bless you. I will let you all know what the Tumor Board recommends

May 4, 2009

I am so glad there is Internet. Thank you Al Gore! Ha! I was encouraged to start a blog for our family to keep everyone informed. Great idea. It is exhausting saying the same thing over and over and this does eliminate the need for public explanation. Because I have such a close Christian "family" everyone wants to know what is going on. So here is our story. Jeff and I, Gina, have been married for almost 30 years! Just about four and a half years ago Jeff began having very bad headaches and also experienced numbness on the left side of his face. His doctor thought it was a pinched nerve and he spent a few months on anti-inflammatory drugs, and popping aspirin for the headaches. Nothing helped and he had an MRI in May of 2005. The diagnosis was a brain tumor. He had a craniotomy in June of that year. Over the next three years he has had two more craniotomies, a year of chemotherapy with Temodar and six weeks of radiation. He has an astrocytoma brain tumor in the cerebellum and brain stem. He gave up his landscaping business shortly after being diagnosed and has been working for the State of Arizona Department of Agriculture as an Industrial Hygienist. Which means that he spoke with farmers and workers about safe pesticide use. It has been a great job for him! His last day before medical disability is May 8. Most of the time during this last four years he has felt physically ok. Especially in cancer speak. He has not had too much nausea, too many headaches or too much exhaustion.
Our life turned a corner however in February of 2009. He was told by the oncologist that during the year of chemotherapy the tumor had actually grown. He also started experiencing more symptoms. March and April have been very hard. He has gone from walking unaided to almost not being able to walk at all. He has lost most of his ability to speak. He is having problems swallowing and is having headaches again. We go in for another MRI on May 7. To me he looks good, but I am not in his head. He has told me that he is ready for that new body promised to him by Christ. I am just numb. We are flying to Ohio, thank you lastminutetickets.com, on May 8 and returning May 12 for Jeff to say good bye to his mother who has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home. Liz and Josh are moving in with us to help with Jeff’s care on May 7. We are preparing for Jeff’s home going together as a family. Thank you so much for all of the help we have received so far! God's grace is truly more than enough! I have to admit though my heart is aching and my prayers are a jumbled mess. I am so glad that God knows us, loves us and will heal Jeff either here or in heaven. I ask for His patience, endurance and most of all His perfect love. Thank you again for being a part of our lives!