October 12, 2009

It has been just short of one month and I am hanging in there. I have a pile of beautiful cards from people that I know and don't know. Should I send thank yous to them? Probably not. But I wish I could personally thank the people who have taken the time to write me a quick note. People ask me how am I doing. I want to say that I feel too young to be in this place. But I know being a fifty year old widow is better than being forty or thirty. This past weekend I saw so many cute old couples, holding hands, and looking at each other tenderly. I am going to miss that. How will all of my couple friends treat me. Such a silly question. I know many of them will treat me just the way they always have. But how will I feel. That is a hard question to contemplate. How does any single person feel in a group of married folks? After being married for thirty years, many of my friends are couples. Will I feel like a third wheel? Will I avoid situations that make me the odd number? New places for my mind to wander and I am not sure I want to go there yet.
I am having a party for my daughter Vangie and her husband Josh. We are having an open house to celebrate their wedding. They got married on September 6, but I was unable to attend since Jeff was so sick. So I have been busy putting in the winter grass and flowers. My back yard looks pretty. I am getting ready to string lights and buy tablecloths and dinnerware. I am going to have it catered. For all of the parties I have had I have always made the food. Even big graduation parties but this time I decided to let making the food go. We will have Mexican Food and mostly finger food at that. Gotta love mini-chimichangas.
I have been driving the jeep. It feels weird. I don't think I drove it but twice while Jeff was alive . And I think he had it for three years. It is old, a 1987. But jeeps don't really age. they all look alike to me. The air conditioning is fried. But at least it is the fall right now. I still feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis driving a red jeep. All I need is a big purple hat! HA! I guess in a way widowhood is a life crisis, no matter how much you prepare for it. I hope Jeff is watching me and having a good laugh because I am certainly a funny sight and that is without the purple hat. That is all for now. The journey seems long but is really just a vapor! love GJ

September 28, 2009

The memorial service for Jeff was wonderful. At least I have been told it was. It is all a blur. I know family was there, who I feel like I ignored, and friends, too many to hug. There was a cookie reception after the service. Our family and close friends then went to my house to eat and reminisce. That is a blur too. I know I went to bed before everyone left. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Monday I went to work. I needed the activity. I still feel guilty for feeling relieved that Jeff's journey is done. Am I relieved for him? Most definitely yes. That last month was awful. He is healed and enjoying the presence of God. Am I relieved for myself? Can I be relieved? Should I be relieved? The jury is still out in my heart over that one. But I have a new journey, albeit a reluctant one. I didn't choose it. God chose it for me and I have to remind myself that His plans for me are good. Thank you to my friends and family that have agreed not to abandon me on this new journey...thank you! Be patient with me.
I picked up Jeff's ashes on Wednesday and paid for his obituary. The people at the mortuary were very nice but the trip was still a sad one. I am planning to take his ashes up to Beaver Creek either later this fall or in the spring. He wanted them sprinkled in Northern Arizona. So that is where they will be.
The other thing I have done is to start to look for another vehicle, sort of. Jeff really wanted me to get a new vehicle and to sell my new beetle. It has been a black hole for repairs and money. I am honoring part of his request. I am selling the VW, but I am not buying a new vehicle. I am going to drive his jeep. Jeff''s mom gave him some money about two and a half years ago and he bought a 1987 jeep. He was able to have some fun trips in it and was in the process of fixing it up when he got so sick. So I am finishing the job. I had it painted and I am putting a hard top on it. The hard top is to make it safer and easier for me to drive. I looks like a new vehicle. I did test drive some Toyota Tacoma four door trucks, but I didn't like the way they drove and they are so expensive. So this is my compromise. I think it would be OK with Jeff, and I am Ok driving the jeep with a top on. I just never liked driving it with no doors and the bikini top. Gina in a jeep!
I am left with not enough to do at my house. So I am re-arranging the garage and labelling all of the shelves. Mindless busy work. As the Quaker saying goes,"Idle hands are the devil's playground." I am so glad that Elizabeth, Josh and Scarlett are with me. The house would seem like a cavern without them. I have been reading before bed for the last week. A almost forgotten joy. A guilty pleasure. That is all for now, GJ