September 28, 2009

The memorial service for Jeff was wonderful. At least I have been told it was. It is all a blur. I know family was there, who I feel like I ignored, and friends, too many to hug. There was a cookie reception after the service. Our family and close friends then went to my house to eat and reminisce. That is a blur too. I know I went to bed before everyone left. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Monday I went to work. I needed the activity. I still feel guilty for feeling relieved that Jeff's journey is done. Am I relieved for him? Most definitely yes. That last month was awful. He is healed and enjoying the presence of God. Am I relieved for myself? Can I be relieved? Should I be relieved? The jury is still out in my heart over that one. But I have a new journey, albeit a reluctant one. I didn't choose it. God chose it for me and I have to remind myself that His plans for me are good. Thank you to my friends and family that have agreed not to abandon me on this new journey...thank you! Be patient with me.
I picked up Jeff's ashes on Wednesday and paid for his obituary. The people at the mortuary were very nice but the trip was still a sad one. I am planning to take his ashes up to Beaver Creek either later this fall or in the spring. He wanted them sprinkled in Northern Arizona. So that is where they will be.
The other thing I have done is to start to look for another vehicle, sort of. Jeff really wanted me to get a new vehicle and to sell my new beetle. It has been a black hole for repairs and money. I am honoring part of his request. I am selling the VW, but I am not buying a new vehicle. I am going to drive his jeep. Jeff''s mom gave him some money about two and a half years ago and he bought a 1987 jeep. He was able to have some fun trips in it and was in the process of fixing it up when he got so sick. So I am finishing the job. I had it painted and I am putting a hard top on it. The hard top is to make it safer and easier for me to drive. I looks like a new vehicle. I did test drive some Toyota Tacoma four door trucks, but I didn't like the way they drove and they are so expensive. So this is my compromise. I think it would be OK with Jeff, and I am Ok driving the jeep with a top on. I just never liked driving it with no doors and the bikini top. Gina in a jeep!
I am left with not enough to do at my house. So I am re-arranging the garage and labelling all of the shelves. Mindless busy work. As the Quaker saying goes,"Idle hands are the devil's playground." I am so glad that Elizabeth, Josh and Scarlett are with me. The house would seem like a cavern without them. I have been reading before bed for the last week. A almost forgotten joy. A guilty pleasure. That is all for now, GJ