The Peace of Release

For the last ten months or so, another missionary with the agency I am with has been fighting brain cancer.  A wonderful man named Roland.  I have read the updates from his wife about his surgery, chemo, etc.  Every time I read, I prayed, and cried.  Not always visibly, but always none the less.  I am ashamed to say I never contacted Patricia, his wife personally.  I was surprised how her updates triggered such intense feelings for me.  I know you can not project your life's journey onto someone else, but my heart felt so heavy for them.  On Christmas day, God took his loved one home to heal him completely.  My heart breaks still for Patricia, but I am happy with her for his release from pain and suffering.  I hope that the next time I am faced with a similar situation that I can act on the faith I hold precious and move beyond my personal comfort to offer God's comfort for a fellow traveler.  May God give me grace to do that. I prayed for them and thought about them often but my fears of "loosing it" kept me from contacting them.  Yes, I am cutting myself a break, I have been a widow for only a little over three years, but life is hard. People's needs don't diminish because I am not ready to deal with them. Life is hard and God is good. God is truly good.   During my journey of brain cancer with Jeff, the hardest part, the very hardest part, was truly giving Jeff back to God.  I thought I did early on.  It wasn't till the end and he was praying for God to take him home and Jeff asked me to pray with him that God would not allow him to suffer more did I come face to face with that hard reality. Jeff did not belong to me. I had faith to pray and ask God to heal Jeff and make him whole, but I wanted him to live.  When I finally prayed that God would end his suffering and we both woke up the next day; to face the tears of disappointment and longing on his sweet face, then I broke down.  I remember the night well, lying in bed saying over and over again.  I can't pray for him to live and I can't pray for him to die.  God he is yours.  I give him to you.  I know he wasn't mine to give, but my heart had to release him, and that was when I finally had peace.  When God DID take him home I was not sad, but I was not happy either.  I simply was.  So I grieve in bits and pieces.  I grieved at the home-going of Roland.  I grieve at sad movies. I grieve at the injustices of this world.  But I also rejoice.  I rejoice at birth announcements.  I rejoice when someone is healed here on Earth. I rejoice when compassion is shown to others.   My journey is not over.  Not yet.  My prayer is that God would give me courage to show the peace of release to others who are hurting.  God loves us so very much more than we can ever think or know, and His ways are perfect.  We can trust Him in every situation.  I pray for you and me more Grace, Love,Trust, and Peace in 2013.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

New Beginnings

I have now been back in the US for just over a month.  I finished my first week of work.  It is amazing to me how events in my life come together to make sense.  You would think that after all this time I would be used to how God makes it all work.  But nope, still in awe!  My job is direct support of families.  I work in the behavioral health field.  I am a mentor for families that have experienced trauma and abuse along with organic issues that cause behavioral issues.  The biggest problem I am having so far is trust.  The agency expects me to leap right in (understandably...since I am getting paid for this) but the families don't know me or trust me.  So I feel like I am taking baby steps with them, encouraging them, looking for causes for celebration, and trying to let them know that I do care about them along with intervention.   The agency told me I would hear a lot of swearing and so far they are right.  So my new mantra is a "a soft answer turns away wrath."  I wonder what it would have been like to have a person like me present in my home when my children and I were in the middle of it.  When Jeff was working three part time jobs, I was working one part time job and we had three children six and under.  A person who is paid to be calm and to help you look for alternatives to bad behaviors.  Would I have liked it or would I have resented it?  Not sure...probably both depending on the day.  So I am dancing with these families.  It certainly makes me long for extended families for these folks.  I also have no biological extended family close by.  My faith family makes all of the difference in the world.  But I don't remember sharing with too many people when I was hurting the most. Hmmmm.  Listen  (or read) to the words of Lean on Me.
Lean on me
When you're not strong
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
for it wont be long
till I'm going to need
somebody to lean on
please swallow your pride
if I have faith that you need to borrow
For no-one can fill
those your needs
that you won't let show
just call on me brother when you need a hand...

Church, let's be that place where the hurting can find help.  Not because we have ALL of the answers but because we are ALL honest with our hurts and suffering, without passing judgement.  We cry together and laugh together.  That is a journey that I want to be on!

September 28, 2009

The memorial service for Jeff was wonderful. At least I have been told it was. It is all a blur. I know family was there, who I feel like I ignored, and friends, too many to hug. There was a cookie reception after the service. Our family and close friends then went to my house to eat and reminisce. That is a blur too. I know I went to bed before everyone left. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Monday I went to work. I needed the activity. I still feel guilty for feeling relieved that Jeff's journey is done. Am I relieved for him? Most definitely yes. That last month was awful. He is healed and enjoying the presence of God. Am I relieved for myself? Can I be relieved? Should I be relieved? The jury is still out in my heart over that one. But I have a new journey, albeit a reluctant one. I didn't choose it. God chose it for me and I have to remind myself that His plans for me are good. Thank you to my friends and family that have agreed not to abandon me on this new journey...thank you! Be patient with me.
I picked up Jeff's ashes on Wednesday and paid for his obituary. The people at the mortuary were very nice but the trip was still a sad one. I am planning to take his ashes up to Beaver Creek either later this fall or in the spring. He wanted them sprinkled in Northern Arizona. So that is where they will be.
The other thing I have done is to start to look for another vehicle, sort of. Jeff really wanted me to get a new vehicle and to sell my new beetle. It has been a black hole for repairs and money. I am honoring part of his request. I am selling the VW, but I am not buying a new vehicle. I am going to drive his jeep. Jeff''s mom gave him some money about two and a half years ago and he bought a 1987 jeep. He was able to have some fun trips in it and was in the process of fixing it up when he got so sick. So I am finishing the job. I had it painted and I am putting a hard top on it. The hard top is to make it safer and easier for me to drive. I looks like a new vehicle. I did test drive some Toyota Tacoma four door trucks, but I didn't like the way they drove and they are so expensive. So this is my compromise. I think it would be OK with Jeff, and I am Ok driving the jeep with a top on. I just never liked driving it with no doors and the bikini top. Gina in a jeep!
I am left with not enough to do at my house. So I am re-arranging the garage and labelling all of the shelves. Mindless busy work. As the Quaker saying goes,"Idle hands are the devil's playground." I am so glad that Elizabeth, Josh and Scarlett are with me. The house would seem like a cavern without them. I have been reading before bed for the last week. A almost forgotten joy. A guilty pleasure. That is all for now, GJ