The Peace of Release

For the last ten months or so, another missionary with the agency I am with has been fighting brain cancer.  A wonderful man named Roland.  I have read the updates from his wife about his surgery, chemo, etc.  Every time I read, I prayed, and cried.  Not always visibly, but always none the less.  I am ashamed to say I never contacted Patricia, his wife personally.  I was surprised how her updates triggered such intense feelings for me.  I know you can not project your life's journey onto someone else, but my heart felt so heavy for them.  On Christmas day, God took his loved one home to heal him completely.  My heart breaks still for Patricia, but I am happy with her for his release from pain and suffering.  I hope that the next time I am faced with a similar situation that I can act on the faith I hold precious and move beyond my personal comfort to offer God's comfort for a fellow traveler.  May God give me grace to do that. I prayed for them and thought about them often but my fears of "loosing it" kept me from contacting them.  Yes, I am cutting myself a break, I have been a widow for only a little over three years, but life is hard. People's needs don't diminish because I am not ready to deal with them. Life is hard and God is good. God is truly good.   During my journey of brain cancer with Jeff, the hardest part, the very hardest part, was truly giving Jeff back to God.  I thought I did early on.  It wasn't till the end and he was praying for God to take him home and Jeff asked me to pray with him that God would not allow him to suffer more did I come face to face with that hard reality. Jeff did not belong to me. I had faith to pray and ask God to heal Jeff and make him whole, but I wanted him to live.  When I finally prayed that God would end his suffering and we both woke up the next day; to face the tears of disappointment and longing on his sweet face, then I broke down.  I remember the night well, lying in bed saying over and over again.  I can't pray for him to live and I can't pray for him to die.  God he is yours.  I give him to you.  I know he wasn't mine to give, but my heart had to release him, and that was when I finally had peace.  When God DID take him home I was not sad, but I was not happy either.  I simply was.  So I grieve in bits and pieces.  I grieved at the home-going of Roland.  I grieve at sad movies. I grieve at the injustices of this world.  But I also rejoice.  I rejoice at birth announcements.  I rejoice when someone is healed here on Earth. I rejoice when compassion is shown to others.   My journey is not over.  Not yet.  My prayer is that God would give me courage to show the peace of release to others who are hurting.  God loves us so very much more than we can ever think or know, and His ways are perfect.  We can trust Him in every situation.  I pray for you and me more Grace, Love,Trust, and Peace in 2013.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

Super-woman, thou are not!

Well hello again from Uganda.  If you read my last blog entry you would think I was superwoman.  I am not!  In my quest to bring all of Africa to the people who love and support me and the boys and the women, I think I made it sound like it was all up to me.  Ha, that is the funniest thing I have ever heard.  But I have to ask myself, do I sometimes think that way.  I just finished the book, Crazy Love, by Francis Chan.  He writes with his heart, and I like that.  He posed the question that I need to be constantly reminded of, "What if you died in the next 30 seconds?"  Possible?  Absolutely!  Could Jesus come and take me home now? Absolutely.  Am I living like I am homeward bound?  (to coin a phrase from Simon and Garfunkle).  Is my pride keeping me firmly attached to tera firma, or is my love for Christ keeping my eyes on him.  A bit of self reflection never killed anyone.  Yes I am blessed to live out an amazing journey in Africa, but it is a SEASON, of my life.  What if my next season was being a clerk at a Walmart?  Would everyone still want to read weekly updates?  Probably not.  But the fact would remain that God is still on His throne, and that he could still use me to be His hands and feet in Walmart.  W.A.L.M.A.R.T.  Yep!  Are there hurting people that need encouragement in Walmart, probably.  Can I be seeking social justice working as a retail clerk?  Yes...which leads me to gently prompt..you can too!  Take the time to look up for yourself the word justice in the Bible...and let those verses soak deep into your soul.  I will be doing my own research on pride.  None of us is a finished product, all of us has work to do and needs the author of justice and humility to fill us every day with His power.  So yes my life looks really interesting...but really it is only because it so very different from suburban American life.  God loves and is calling us to help the broken-hearted in America.  He loves homeless children, HIV patients, victims of sexual violence, the poor, the hungry, the hopeless if they live in America, or Mexico, or Uganda or China...you get the idea.  Please, please, please, continue to support me with your prayers and your money but please, please, please...be His hands and feet wherever you are. And know that Social Justice is messy, and you may have your heart broken a million times...don't worry God is the mender of the broken-hearted, even yours!  I love you all and call it a privilege to be working with you in Africa.
My biggest struggle right now is what should I be leading the women in?  They are struggling with identity, jealousy, envy and feelings of worthlessness.  Tough stuff.  I am not really a preacher.  I just love Jesus and I love these women.  So I will be praying that God gives me all of the right things to say that honer Him and help them.  Jeff Merry always said, "What do you want people to 'know' 'feel' and 'do' with what you are bringing them.  So yes Jeff, I am thinking about that.   If you have any ideas or suggestions...I am very open.  Just shoot me an e-mail.  You are my partners.  Oh and check me out on pinterest.  I am trying to put up pics that reflect the real African life.  Plus you might really find some inspiration from other people.  God bless you, please keep praying for the ministry here.