For the last ten months or so, another missionary with the agency I am with has been fighting brain cancer. A wonderful man named Roland. I have read the updates from his wife about his surgery, chemo, etc. Every time I read, I prayed, and cried. Not always visibly, but always none the less. I am ashamed to say I never contacted Patricia, his wife personally. I was surprised how her updates triggered such intense feelings for me. I know you can not project your life's journey onto someone else, but my heart felt so heavy for them. On Christmas day, God took his loved one home to heal him completely. My heart breaks still for Patricia, but I am happy with her for his release from pain and suffering. I hope that the next time I am faced with a similar situation that I can act on the faith I hold precious and move beyond my personal comfort to offer God's comfort for a fellow traveler. May God give me grace to do that. I prayed for them and thought about them often but my fears of "loosing it" kept me from contacting them. Yes, I am cutting myself a break, I have been a widow for only a little over three years, but life is hard. People's needs don't diminish because I am not ready to deal with them. Life is hard and God is good. God is truly good. During my journey of brain cancer with Jeff, the hardest part, the very hardest part, was truly giving Jeff back to God. I thought I did early on. It wasn't till the end and he was praying for God to take him home and Jeff asked me to pray with him that God would not allow him to suffer more did I come face to face with that hard reality. Jeff did not belong to me. I had faith to pray and ask God to heal Jeff and make him whole, but I wanted him to live. When I finally prayed that God would end his suffering and we both woke up the next day; to face the tears of disappointment and longing on his sweet face, then I broke down. I remember the night well, lying in bed saying over and over again. I can't pray for him to live and I can't pray for him to die. God he is yours. I give him to you. I know he wasn't mine to give, but my heart had to release him, and that was when I finally had peace. When God DID take him home I was not sad, but I was not happy either. I simply was. So I grieve in bits and pieces. I grieved at the home-going of Roland. I grieve at sad movies. I grieve at the injustices of this world. But I also rejoice. I rejoice at birth announcements. I rejoice when someone is healed here on Earth. I rejoice when compassion is shown to others. My journey is not over. Not yet. My prayer is that God would give me courage to show the peace of release to others who are hurting. God loves us so very much more than we can ever think or know, and His ways are perfect. We can trust Him in every situation. I pray for you and me more Grace, Love,Trust, and Peace in 2013.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
