The Peace of Release

For the last ten months or so, another missionary with the agency I am with has been fighting brain cancer.  A wonderful man named Roland.  I have read the updates from his wife about his surgery, chemo, etc.  Every time I read, I prayed, and cried.  Not always visibly, but always none the less.  I am ashamed to say I never contacted Patricia, his wife personally.  I was surprised how her updates triggered such intense feelings for me.  I know you can not project your life's journey onto someone else, but my heart felt so heavy for them.  On Christmas day, God took his loved one home to heal him completely.  My heart breaks still for Patricia, but I am happy with her for his release from pain and suffering.  I hope that the next time I am faced with a similar situation that I can act on the faith I hold precious and move beyond my personal comfort to offer God's comfort for a fellow traveler.  May God give me grace to do that. I prayed for them and thought about them often but my fears of "loosing it" kept me from contacting them.  Yes, I am cutting myself a break, I have been a widow for only a little over three years, but life is hard. People's needs don't diminish because I am not ready to deal with them. Life is hard and God is good. God is truly good.   During my journey of brain cancer with Jeff, the hardest part, the very hardest part, was truly giving Jeff back to God.  I thought I did early on.  It wasn't till the end and he was praying for God to take him home and Jeff asked me to pray with him that God would not allow him to suffer more did I come face to face with that hard reality. Jeff did not belong to me. I had faith to pray and ask God to heal Jeff and make him whole, but I wanted him to live.  When I finally prayed that God would end his suffering and we both woke up the next day; to face the tears of disappointment and longing on his sweet face, then I broke down.  I remember the night well, lying in bed saying over and over again.  I can't pray for him to live and I can't pray for him to die.  God he is yours.  I give him to you.  I know he wasn't mine to give, but my heart had to release him, and that was when I finally had peace.  When God DID take him home I was not sad, but I was not happy either.  I simply was.  So I grieve in bits and pieces.  I grieved at the home-going of Roland.  I grieve at sad movies. I grieve at the injustices of this world.  But I also rejoice.  I rejoice at birth announcements.  I rejoice when someone is healed here on Earth. I rejoice when compassion is shown to others.   My journey is not over.  Not yet.  My prayer is that God would give me courage to show the peace of release to others who are hurting.  God loves us so very much more than we can ever think or know, and His ways are perfect.  We can trust Him in every situation.  I pray for you and me more Grace, Love,Trust, and Peace in 2013.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

A Reluctant Anniversary

It is hard to believe that on September 13, 2009, Jeff was in the presence of the Lord and completely healed. That was very good news for him, but sad for me and the rest of the family. The year has gone by very quickly but also very slowly. People say to me, "You are doing so well!" All I can say is that you can't see what is going on in my head. Profound sadness and deep joy at the same time. My kids asked me how I was going to spend the day on Monday, September 13. What was I going to do? I told them I was going to plant a tree. I picked out a pretty Desert Museum Palo Verde and planted it. I have decided to plant a tree every September...somewhere. This tree got planted in the backyard of my new little house. Overall the day was very good. My memories were mostly sweet and I felt loved by many of my friends.
I am looking forward to putting together a small photo album to take with me to Uganda. Pictures of me, Jeff, the kids and their spouses and my granddaughter. Looking through pictures has actually been pretty painful for me and the sad memories of brain tumor surgeries and chemotherapy are slowly being replaced with older happier memories. I am glad.
I finally put all of the pieces of this journey in place and realized that Jeff was sick for only four years. You would think I would hav every date stamped firmly in my head, but this was not the case. He was diagnosed in May of 2005. I kept thinking it was earlier. Time does seem to move slowly through hardship. Is that because God wants me to truly feel every moment of it and realize anew his grace and presence? I know that God has grown my patience and my ability to keep my mouth shut. Yes, my friends, I actually can be quiet-ha! That has been a gift. But the other thing I have gained is a new understanding of how I can't know other people's motives for what they do. It is hard to explain, but I find myself way less judgemental. Not that I am such a great person, but that finally God got through my hard head to teach me a lesson. I did things and thought things that I never thought I could or would do while Jeff was sick and during this first year without him. AND many of those things were really negative and hurtful. I had to learn to let go of my own need for control. Controlling people are judgemental people. For me, God had to use blunt force to get my attention, and to make me even consider letting go of the reins of my life. I think I still have a few strands wrapped around my fingers but giving up the reins, even VERY reluctantly, has given me peace and new insight into God's amazing character and the generosity and love of His people. If you are stubborn and controlling (Me to a tee) you miss out on letting people love on you and getting the chance to love other people as well. So God, keep hitting me over the head until I learn the lessons You want me to know. I am Okay with that! So I made it through a year, I know I have great friends and family to come alongside of me. Thanks for being there for me, I sincerely hope that I can be there for you as well. Love always, Gina

August 9, 2009

Today is August 8 and Jeff has a granddaughter! Scarlett was born Saturday morning at 9:25. She weighed 7 lbs 11 oz. The exact same as her mother! She is 21 inches long. Liz and Josh just came home this afternoon and the baby is sleeping in her bed! She has hair and big feet. HA! The picture is of course Jeff and Scarlett. She is already spoiled and very much loved. Liz was in labor for 12 hours. Josh did a great job of coaching her. Vangie and Josh D. got here yesterday evening. It is so good to have everyone here. Next is our family photo! Jeff has done really well these last few days. Our pastor, Bob, came and visited us on Friday and we all got to have communion together, the five of us. It was very special. Aunt Betty Anne is coming for dinner tonight so we will probably take more photos and pst them on my facebook page. Thank you for praying for us. We are so grateful! We love you...Gina.

May 11, 2009

Dearest Family and Friends:I am ready to be home. Not really looking forward to the plane trip (who does?). But I am more than ready to see my family and enjoy our house. This has been an emotionally exhausting experience watching Jeff say good bye to family that in all honesty he won't see again this side of heaven. Too many tears, but mixed in was the hope of Heaven. Jeff's mom had no clue who I was and we are unsure if she recognized Jeff. Which may not be so bad since we had to tell our "story" several times to different family members in front of her. She used to be so emotional, it is probably a blessing that she doesn't understand this. Please pray for me as we get back to Phoenix Tuesday night and I go in at 6:00 Wednesday for surgery. I will not be able to push Jeff in the wheelchair for two weeks, maybe three. I also had the fun job of telling Jeff I didn't want him driving anymore, his response time is too slow. But he was very agreeable to the situation and told me I was actually a decent chauffeur. HA! Vangie and Daniel get home tomorrow as well, so our house will go from the two of us (and the animals) to six. How fun. I know Jeff will enjoy that. He always seems so tired now, I hope having the kids around will re-energize him. The next entry will be from sunny Arizona. Thanks again for all of your love and support.