It is hard to believe that on September 13, 2009, Jeff was in the presence of the Lord and completely healed. That was very good news for him, but sad for me and the rest of the family. The year has gone by very quickly but also very slowly. People say to me, "You are doing so well!" All I can say is that you can't see what is going on in my head. Profound sadness and deep joy at the same time. My kids asked me how I was going to spend the day on Monday, September 13. What was I going to do? I told them I was going to plant a tree. I picked out a pretty Desert Museum Palo Verde and planted it. I have decided to plant a tree every September...somewhere. This tree got planted in the backyard of my new little house. Overall the day was very good. My memories were mostly sweet and I felt loved by many of my friends.
I am looking forward to putting together a small photo album to take with me to Uganda. Pictures of me, Jeff, the kids and their spouses and my granddaughter. Looking through pictures has actually been pretty painful for me and the sad memories of brain tumor surgeries and chemotherapy are slowly being replaced with older happier memories. I am glad.
I finally put all of the pieces of this journey in place and realized that Jeff was sick for only four years. You would think I would hav every date stamped firmly in my head, but this was not the case. He was diagnosed in May of 2005. I kept thinking it was earlier. Time does seem to move slowly through hardship. Is that because God wants me to truly feel every moment of it and realize anew his grace and presence? I know that God has grown my patience and my ability to keep my mouth shut. Yes, my friends, I actually can be quiet-ha! That has been a gift. But the other thing I have gained is a new understanding of how I can't know other people's motives for what they do. It is hard to explain, but I find myself way less judgemental. Not that I am such a great person, but that finally God got through my hard head to teach me a lesson. I did things and thought things that I never thought I could or would do while Jeff was sick and during this first year without him. AND many of those things were really negative and hurtful. I had to learn to let go of my own need for control. Controlling people are judgemental people. For me, God had to use blunt force to get my attention, and to make me even consider letting go of the reins of my life. I think I still have a few strands wrapped around my fingers but giving up the reins, even VERY reluctantly, has given me peace and new insight into God's amazing character and the generosity and love of His people. If you are stubborn and controlling (Me to a tee) you miss out on letting people love on you and getting the chance to love other people as well. So God, keep hitting me over the head until I learn the lessons You want me to know. I am Okay with that! So I made it through a year, I know I have great friends and family to come alongside of me. Thanks for being there for me, I sincerely hope that I can be there for you as well. Love always, Gina
