September 11, 2009

September 11. Jeff's sister arrived today. We are so glad to see her. Things here have been rough. Jeff has been very difficult to move, and almost impossible to understand. And the worst part is that he is now experiencing pain. In his back and in his neck and sort of anywhere when he lays down. I have started giving him dilaudid, a strong pain med. We have it in drop form so I give it to him under his tongue. I also took an objective look at him. He has lost 40-50 pounds. He was so miserable with the weight he gained from all of the steroids. So to me he looks good now, but this is not a good weight loss. He is hardly eating. The hospice nurse came today and inserted a catheter. I hope it makes him a lot more comfortable. He will be bed bound as long as there is only one person at home because he is so hard to get into his wheel chair. His muscles just aren't responding. His breathing is irregular and shallow. Our time together when we are alone is so sweet. He asked me tonight is I was OK and I told him no, I asked him the same question and he told me yes. That helped me a lot. I asked the hospice nurse, how long do other patients in his situation live? Just a shadowy way of asking how long for Jeff. She said she didn't think he would last long. I hope the Lord takes him very soon. He is tired,and ready and even though I am not ready...it isn't about me. I am listening to the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn, on CD. I haven't gotten very far, but it is good. I am honestly pretty depressed tonight. I miss my mother. She died nine years ago this December. I have no brothers and sisters and I will soon be a widow. I am so glad that I have so many good friends. My church family and circle of friends have loved me more than any "natural" sibling could. Thank you God, for them! Thank you also for my kids, their spouses and my grandbaby. Thank you, Thank you. Thank you for 30 years with Jeff. Take him home safely and soon Lord. You love him more than I do, and I can barely stand to see him suffer any more. In Jesus name-Amen!

July 1, 2009

Today is Wednesday the first of July. I don't think Jeff thought he would live this long but we are still here. Today we went to a Speech Pathologist to find out if Jeff could get a text to speech device. We found one that he could operate with one hand and it was pretty slick. His speech is very hard to understand now. The problem is that if he is on Hospice the insurance won't pay for one. So maybe we can rent one for a while or try to find a used one. I actually looked on e-bay and found one but it was not the model we liked. We still have about two months left to hear from Social Security as to whether or not they consider him disabled. So we are caught between a rock and a hard place. Jeff had a choking incident tonight, our friend the respiratory therapist was with us (God is SO good) and she said his strong coughing response was a really good thing. Nice to hear because I was really upset. He has had no major changes this week just further decline in speech and he is sleeping more. Daniel had all four wisdom teeth pulled today, a part of getting everyone fixed up before we loose our insurance. He is doing really well! Liz is now 5 weeks away from having baby Scarlett. Jeff is torn between wanting this to be over and wanting to see her. I am too. I watch him every day, and my heart aches. Please God, heal him soon. If that means in heaven, I can't help but want him there. Vangie and Josh are still up in the air about getting married, not that they will or not... just timing, location... all still undecided. My two best friends' daughters got married this summer and it has been very hard on Jeff, and Vangie too. She has been in both weddings. The last one was just this past weekend and Jeff couldn't go. I sat and just silently cried as I watched the bride dance with her father. Again, same as with Scarlett's birth, conflicted feelings all around. I know not every bride has the opportunity to have her father with her. I didn't, our marriage has lasted 30 years, and I have reminded Jeff of that. He has given instructions that his brother Jim is to stand in his place. But I can still understand his pain. Thank you all for continuing to add comments. Jeff reads the comment page at least three times a day. Please pray for healing. We love you.-Gina