September 11, 2009

September 11. Jeff's sister arrived today. We are so glad to see her. Things here have been rough. Jeff has been very difficult to move, and almost impossible to understand. And the worst part is that he is now experiencing pain. In his back and in his neck and sort of anywhere when he lays down. I have started giving him dilaudid, a strong pain med. We have it in drop form so I give it to him under his tongue. I also took an objective look at him. He has lost 40-50 pounds. He was so miserable with the weight he gained from all of the steroids. So to me he looks good now, but this is not a good weight loss. He is hardly eating. The hospice nurse came today and inserted a catheter. I hope it makes him a lot more comfortable. He will be bed bound as long as there is only one person at home because he is so hard to get into his wheel chair. His muscles just aren't responding. His breathing is irregular and shallow. Our time together when we are alone is so sweet. He asked me tonight is I was OK and I told him no, I asked him the same question and he told me yes. That helped me a lot. I asked the hospice nurse, how long do other patients in his situation live? Just a shadowy way of asking how long for Jeff. She said she didn't think he would last long. I hope the Lord takes him very soon. He is tired,and ready and even though I am not ready...it isn't about me. I am listening to the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn, on CD. I haven't gotten very far, but it is good. I am honestly pretty depressed tonight. I miss my mother. She died nine years ago this December. I have no brothers and sisters and I will soon be a widow. I am so glad that I have so many good friends. My church family and circle of friends have loved me more than any "natural" sibling could. Thank you God, for them! Thank you also for my kids, their spouses and my grandbaby. Thank you, Thank you. Thank you for 30 years with Jeff. Take him home safely and soon Lord. You love him more than I do, and I can barely stand to see him suffer any more. In Jesus name-Amen!

August 28, 2009

Today is Friday, August 28. Jeff and I both have had a hard week. His speech has gotten much worse and in the evening after I am home from work, he is tired and I can barely, if at all, understand him. He has gotten pretty frustrated with me. At night he is restless and coughs a lot from choking on saliva. I am simply exhausted both physically and emotionally. The hospice nurse came today. She said she hardly heard any breath sounds except in his upper right lobe. His blood pressure is WAY down and his heart rate is slower. If it wasn't for Pam and Marilyn coming over to visit I think I would be pretty depressed. I have been painting some chairs from outside to have something to do. It is very hot here, 112, and we all feel a little cooped up. Dan is in Chicago. He is staying with John and Ruth (Big Thank You). He can move into his room tomorrow. He called me while he was riding his long-board! Please pray for patience and gentleness for me and grace and healing for Jeff. We appreciate and love you all so much.
-Gina-

July 26, 2009

Today is July 26,2009. Another week has begun. This week like them all, has had some really great highs and some pretty low lows. We had quite a few visitors including our pastor and his wife. They brought a yummy dinner and made us all laugh. BettyAnne came up as well as Pam. We also had a visit from some NCHS Band Boosters: Claudia and Gilbert. YEAH! Those times are truly the high point of our day. Everyone has been really considerate about making the visits short yet fun. We even watched a movie: Marley and Me. Gotta love popcorn and Hawaiian Punch, thanks BA. I went back to work a few days and that went pretty smooth. We also got some great news from Social Security. They have granted Jeff disability, which believe me is no small feat! His benefits will begin in October. We also were told that his short term disability ends in October. A God-ordained coincidence! Although this was good news for me it really upset Jeff since he does not want to be alive that long. Pastor Bob and Cathy told us a story about Bob helping to take care of a friend in his last year of life and how difficult it was, but how very important to Bob it was to go through the experience. Liz and I had a conversation along the same path. I am not going to say that if I had it all over to do again I would choose watching my husband die of cancer, but I know long after this is over, I will see God use it for some kind of good. Jeff had a nasty fall in the night this week and scared us all. He has been pretty depressed as well as he continues to loose the ability to speak and have some independence. I am struggling from lack of sleep and trying to be positive. Even so...come Lord Jesus. I have been walking with Elizabeth in the cool "Big Boxes" of Phoenix. You know...Loews, Home Depot, next on the list is Super Walmart. It is very hot here but she still needs to walk. I went to her appt. last Friday and the baby is doing well, they estimate her weight at 6 1/2 lbs. Maybe my next entry will include a baby picture. We have made arrangements to have a great photographer come to our house after the baby is born to take a family picture so that Jeff can be a part of that. We have all of the paperwork for Jeff's longterm disability filled out for the state and the doctor wrote the prescription for the text to speech device, so we will see! The picture this time is Jeff in the wheel chair before he got so weak and before it got so hot. He can't sit outside anymore. Only Maggie our Chihuahua is enjoying the heat!Please join me in continuing to pray for mercy and grace for our family. We love you all and appreciate ALL of the notes you have sent via Caringbridge.