September 11, 2009

September 11. Jeff's sister arrived today. We are so glad to see her. Things here have been rough. Jeff has been very difficult to move, and almost impossible to understand. And the worst part is that he is now experiencing pain. In his back and in his neck and sort of anywhere when he lays down. I have started giving him dilaudid, a strong pain med. We have it in drop form so I give it to him under his tongue. I also took an objective look at him. He has lost 40-50 pounds. He was so miserable with the weight he gained from all of the steroids. So to me he looks good now, but this is not a good weight loss. He is hardly eating. The hospice nurse came today and inserted a catheter. I hope it makes him a lot more comfortable. He will be bed bound as long as there is only one person at home because he is so hard to get into his wheel chair. His muscles just aren't responding. His breathing is irregular and shallow. Our time together when we are alone is so sweet. He asked me tonight is I was OK and I told him no, I asked him the same question and he told me yes. That helped me a lot. I asked the hospice nurse, how long do other patients in his situation live? Just a shadowy way of asking how long for Jeff. She said she didn't think he would last long. I hope the Lord takes him very soon. He is tired,and ready and even though I am not ready...it isn't about me. I am listening to the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn, on CD. I haven't gotten very far, but it is good. I am honestly pretty depressed tonight. I miss my mother. She died nine years ago this December. I have no brothers and sisters and I will soon be a widow. I am so glad that I have so many good friends. My church family and circle of friends have loved me more than any "natural" sibling could. Thank you God, for them! Thank you also for my kids, their spouses and my grandbaby. Thank you, Thank you. Thank you for 30 years with Jeff. Take him home safely and soon Lord. You love him more than I do, and I can barely stand to see him suffer any more. In Jesus name-Amen!