August 23, 2009

Today is Sunday August 23. Jeff is resting and I am here at the computer talking to people who know us and some that don't. It feels weird. But then a lot of my life feels weird. I hate brain tumors. There, I said it. I hate having to come up with an answer to the question how is Jeff. No I am not depressed today, but I am a little overwhelmed. Last weekend Jim and Vicki came over from Albuquerque and Vangie and Josh were here from Colorado. We had so much fun. Jim took Jeff to the Bass Pro shop. It was the first time that he had been out of the house in weeks. I simply can't maneuver him in and out of my VW. I hate VW's right now too! But Jim drives a hummer. So not only was Jeff out of the house, but he rode in STYLE. But this week has been rough. As I laid in the hospital bed next to Jeff I listened to him breathing. Such hard work! I was scared and realized how not ready I am for him to go. The hospice nurse came on Friday and told me that his heart rate was erratic, and that the tumor may be doing some dirty little deeds in his brain stem. I hate brain tumors. Several times when he is really tired he has said absolute nonsense to me. My heart breaks a little more each time. Last night when just the two of us were at the table and he was finishing up eating, he said I hate eating this way. (With a bib, with drool out of his mouth, and choking from difficulty of swallowing I simply said I'm sorry. Later he said I can't live much longer this way and I didn't know what to say. We both are secure in his future but the present is oh so very hard. So should I be happy that he is here, or should I be sad that he is not whole and in the arms of my Savior. I don't know how I should be. I am in awe of the strength that God had given Jeff. He is so very, very brave. God's presence comforts us both. We feel loved through His people and are blessed by that. Just don't ask me how Jeff is doing. I can't figure out what to say. Last weekend Pastor Bob gave a sermon titled "a stimulus package that really works." In it he talks about visiting Jeff. You can check it out at www.moonvalleybible.org The picture today is of all of my family last weekend. That weekend was so special. I will remember it forever. Our son, Dan, leaves today for Chicago. He and Spencer are driving to Albuquerque to spend time with Cam and Evelyn and then Uncle Jim and the hummer are taking him to Chicago. Uncle John will be joining them on the trip. YEAH! I will really miss my son. I am so glad that Liz and Josh and Scarlett live with us now! Please pray with us for grace and healing. We love you all so much. Your prayers and notes mean more that you will ever know!