August 23, 2009

Today is Sunday August 23. Jeff is resting and I am here at the computer talking to people who know us and some that don't. It feels weird. But then a lot of my life feels weird. I hate brain tumors. There, I said it. I hate having to come up with an answer to the question how is Jeff. No I am not depressed today, but I am a little overwhelmed. Last weekend Jim and Vicki came over from Albuquerque and Vangie and Josh were here from Colorado. We had so much fun. Jim took Jeff to the Bass Pro shop. It was the first time that he had been out of the house in weeks. I simply can't maneuver him in and out of my VW. I hate VW's right now too! But Jim drives a hummer. So not only was Jeff out of the house, but he rode in STYLE. But this week has been rough. As I laid in the hospital bed next to Jeff I listened to him breathing. Such hard work! I was scared and realized how not ready I am for him to go. The hospice nurse came on Friday and told me that his heart rate was erratic, and that the tumor may be doing some dirty little deeds in his brain stem. I hate brain tumors. Several times when he is really tired he has said absolute nonsense to me. My heart breaks a little more each time. Last night when just the two of us were at the table and he was finishing up eating, he said I hate eating this way. (With a bib, with drool out of his mouth, and choking from difficulty of swallowing I simply said I'm sorry. Later he said I can't live much longer this way and I didn't know what to say. We both are secure in his future but the present is oh so very hard. So should I be happy that he is here, or should I be sad that he is not whole and in the arms of my Savior. I don't know how I should be. I am in awe of the strength that God had given Jeff. He is so very, very brave. God's presence comforts us both. We feel loved through His people and are blessed by that. Just don't ask me how Jeff is doing. I can't figure out what to say. Last weekend Pastor Bob gave a sermon titled "a stimulus package that really works." In it he talks about visiting Jeff. You can check it out at www.moonvalleybible.org The picture today is of all of my family last weekend. That weekend was so special. I will remember it forever. Our son, Dan, leaves today for Chicago. He and Spencer are driving to Albuquerque to spend time with Cam and Evelyn and then Uncle Jim and the hummer are taking him to Chicago. Uncle John will be joining them on the trip. YEAH! I will really miss my son. I am so glad that Liz and Josh and Scarlett live with us now! Please pray with us for grace and healing. We love you all so much. Your prayers and notes mean more that you will ever know!

May 4, 2009

I am so glad there is Internet. Thank you Al Gore! Ha! I was encouraged to start a blog for our family to keep everyone informed. Great idea. It is exhausting saying the same thing over and over and this does eliminate the need for public explanation. Because I have such a close Christian "family" everyone wants to know what is going on. So here is our story. Jeff and I, Gina, have been married for almost 30 years! Just about four and a half years ago Jeff began having very bad headaches and also experienced numbness on the left side of his face. His doctor thought it was a pinched nerve and he spent a few months on anti-inflammatory drugs, and popping aspirin for the headaches. Nothing helped and he had an MRI in May of 2005. The diagnosis was a brain tumor. He had a craniotomy in June of that year. Over the next three years he has had two more craniotomies, a year of chemotherapy with Temodar and six weeks of radiation. He has an astrocytoma brain tumor in the cerebellum and brain stem. He gave up his landscaping business shortly after being diagnosed and has been working for the State of Arizona Department of Agriculture as an Industrial Hygienist. Which means that he spoke with farmers and workers about safe pesticide use. It has been a great job for him! His last day before medical disability is May 8. Most of the time during this last four years he has felt physically ok. Especially in cancer speak. He has not had too much nausea, too many headaches or too much exhaustion.
Our life turned a corner however in February of 2009. He was told by the oncologist that during the year of chemotherapy the tumor had actually grown. He also started experiencing more symptoms. March and April have been very hard. He has gone from walking unaided to almost not being able to walk at all. He has lost most of his ability to speak. He is having problems swallowing and is having headaches again. We go in for another MRI on May 7. To me he looks good, but I am not in his head. He has told me that he is ready for that new body promised to him by Christ. I am just numb. We are flying to Ohio, thank you lastminutetickets.com, on May 8 and returning May 12 for Jeff to say good bye to his mother who has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home. Liz and Josh are moving in with us to help with Jeff’s care on May 7. We are preparing for Jeff’s home going together as a family. Thank you so much for all of the help we have received so far! God's grace is truly more than enough! I have to admit though my heart is aching and my prayers are a jumbled mess. I am so glad that God knows us, loves us and will heal Jeff either here or in heaven. I ask for His patience, endurance and most of all His perfect love. Thank you again for being a part of our lives!